Dear Neighbor who keeps having his children screaming in the pool next door,
Please stop. You are driving me crazy. I can literally feel my head throbbing in pain as my body shudders in disgust at, not only the things your children are yelling, but what you are conversing about with your friends. Why would you say things like that with children near? Talking about sex and cursing freely in front of your children is just awesome (insert sarcasm here). You definitely need a gold medal for parenting and maybe a certificate for awesomeness for not giving your children a bed time. Disciplinary action is so over rated.
Most days, I would not mind this. I could over look it. Go on about my day, and I can be as happy as ever. But, having your eight-year-old drop the 'F'-bomb several times as he misses the basket while he is now playing basketball in my back yard, is where I draw the line. Actually, I drew it before then when his friends (That is who I like to assume they are) started playing basket ball twenty minutes before your son decided to jump the fence and play with them. Did you know that he actually jumped the fence? I can still hear the thump thump, smack smack, as the ball bounces all over everything, my house included.
And, to make matters more interesting, as if they weren't frustrating already, you start to play music. But, not just any music. You have to play blue grass... Of ALL of the things you could POSSIBLY play, you choose blue grass. And, even that, which I HATE with a PASSION, I would have much preferred to what you are playing now. This nonsense that you call 'playing the guitar' could not possibly mean what you imply. It is so monotone and does not flow at all. How your friends can cheer to ping ping ping bing bing ping ting ting tang is so far beyond me that I just cannot even! How can a guitar make such a wretched sound? It's almost as if you took a cat and an a dog and tossed them, starving, into a room filled with fresh meat. How you achieve this sound, I would love to know. It would be a nice alarm or something very great to piss of your very tired neighbor.
Some of us, as you know very well, have work and church to go to in the now approaching Sunday morning. I would much prefer to sleep than hear your incessant screams and laughter. If need be, I will walk outside and yell at you. I'm just that frustrated. Although, I know that it will not work. I have yelled at your child and his friends five times now; they kindly told me I was a horrid (female dog) who should mind her own (verb normally referred to as having sex. Most often begins with an 'F') business and go in to her (some word but now used as an adjective) house. I can also take my (vulgar term for going number two) and shove it up my (old name for a donkey).
Am I really out of line here for asking your child and his friends to be quieter? It's not like I told them to go die or to get off of my property before I call the cops (both options are very appealing at the moment). Heck, I didn't even yell at them. I was calm and nice about it. I even gave them water when they asked, and they still have the nerve to cuss me out. Eight through ten-year-olds! What do you teach these kinds?! And you call yourself a preacher...No one is perfect, but there are somethings you just don't do...
I remember the time I was loud with a friend in the back yard. You expressed your concern, and I never was loud again. I felt horrible.I still do. Even if you are being irrational as you tell me that you are not loud and the your guitar playing is not horrible, I am still being as kind to you as possible. I did not raise my voice as you yelled at me, nor did I use profane language as you so kindly did. And, yes, I will leave you alone so that you and your friends, can continue your party on this memorial weekend. I will not speak to your son or his friends again tonight as they continue to express themselves in vulgar ways in my backyard while they play basketball.
And, when I see you at work in a few hours, I will smile and speak as loudly as I can and laugh as your hung over mind tries to cope with the pain and disorientation it feels.
Your neighbor who would really love to be unconscious right now dreaming of odd things and NOT hearing you, your son, and now your dog who will not stop barking. I assume it is at your horrible guitar playing or maybe your epic win karaoke skills (insert sarcastic goodness here).
P.S. Please feel free to do what you're doing at 2:23 am some other time in the day. You know, at a normal hour. Or, be kind and considerate and not yell, scream, or anything related at such an early hour. Thank you, and have a very lovely night.